Circle Of Dust/Celldweller et al.

CIRCLE OF DUST (1992)
DAD: Did you ever enter into an agreement and then immediately regret it? The cycle has moved to Elderson and he's picked this. The brainiac behind this and the subsequent Celldweller/Argyle Park stuff is someone going by the name of Klayton. I was going to start off by accusing this of being dated and derivative, but then saw it was released in 1992 and so must concede that it is of its time and possibly quite original. I will accuse the opening 'Exploration' however of sounding like a hefty KLF, without any of the humour and third track 'Demoralize' as having learned some basic lessons from Metallica. After that it's a growling, fuzzy, grungy haze. What I will say is that the themes of self-loathing, angst and  alienation are bang on the money for what a 16-year old boy should be listening to. I would be worried if it was anything else. For my own part, I hope we do see some musical progression before the end, or it will be a very Grinchy Christmas indeed.

SON:  Oh, this is gonna be a big one. technically, this isn’t going to be just one band. It's four. The main difference is that they are all solo projects for Detroit based industrial/metal/eighties new-wave musician, Klayton, or Scott as he went by back when Circle Of Dust was a thing. Second disclaimer: the versions of the albums on Spotify are the 2016 re-releases, and contain extra tracks. I will be ignoring these extra tracks, as any original songs will also be released on the upcoming album 'Machines Of Our Disgrace'. Okay? Is that all? Right, onto the actual stuff. Circle Of Dust was an industrial metal band throughout the nineties. Believe it or not, CoD is classed as a “Christian rock” band in its early days, though this is mainly due to the label it was signed to. Anyway, I have rambled far too long. Let’s get into this. The first track 'Exploration' is good. It uses clips of astronauts to give off a very sci-fi feel. Full disclosure though: the version of this song on Spotify is a ground up redux done by Klayton upon regaining the rights to Circle Of Dust. So, it’s not fair to judge it alongside the rest of the album. 'Onenemy' is where the album starts. The music is good, with some nice guitar riffs and samples giving it a harsh sound, but Klayton’s singing leaves a lot to be desired. 'Self-inflict' follows the same style as all the prior songs. It’s probably my favourite so far. Although Klay still can’t sing. 'Rational Lies' Is a little more subdued, bringing in a bit of synth piano and being a bit more melodic. Klayton sounds good singing here as well. 'Nightfall” makes good use of some distortion. The masking on the lyrics is a bit odd too. I feel like this song is trying to be “dream like”. If you want something like that, go listen to 'Heathens' by Twenty-one Pilots. 'Twisted Reality' is not too good. I mean, none of this album is specifically good. Its definitely the weakest of the Circle Of Dust era albums, and probably the weakest album overall.  'Consequence' is better, with some good guitar riffs and not bad singing. That, and the drumming is brilliant if you listen through really bassy headphones. Which I do. 'Dissolved' samples Star Wars. That’s the only notable thing about it. 'Nothing Sacred' now. It is also a little more diverse sound wise. I like it. It’s all right. Last is 'Bed Of Nails', which starts with sampled muttering. It’s not too-too bad. Just not much to say. There are three more tracks on the album (those being another song called 'Neophyte', a remix of 'Nothing Sacred' by Blue Stahli and an acoustic version of 'Onenemy'), but I won’t cover those as one is a remix exclusive to the re-release, and neophyte is a track from 'Machines Of Our Disgrace', so I will cover that when it comes to it. So, that was the Circle Of Dust self-title. It’s not good, but it is a start. And a not too awful start at that. I have heard worse. Cover: The original is Klayton shirtless, dropping flour through his fingers, with inverted colours, placed over a picture of nails with an image of a gas mask imposed over that. The re-release is the Circle Of Dust 'Phoenix' logo towering over a city. Much more sensible.

BRAINCHILD - CIRCLE OF DUST (1994)
DAD: Flippin' Nora. How many of these are there? Still, listening to music that makes me irritated and despairing of the modern world is probably quite apt in the last week of 2016. I'm very happy to adopt an old fogey persona on all this and dismiss it as tuneless derivative garbage. They even have the gall to use the 'As I Lay Me Down to Sleep' rhyme that Metallica used in 'Enter Sandman'. Someone give the singer a throat lozenge, otherwise he's destined for nodule surgery in later life. And the drummer may be no more than a trained monkey with his arm lashed to a metronome. What did I pick up? There's some dialogue from Blade Runner in 'Pale Reflection' and an awful lot of sampling of the kind of authoritarian American public service announcements from the fifties. Apparently they are a Christian rock band but this is clearly the devil's work and I'll stick with the more theology-neutral mainstream if you don't mind.

SON: Let me just get this out of the way: this is my favourite Circle Of Dust album. It’s not the best (that's Disengage) and it’s not my favourite from Klayton's early work (that would be misguided). Hell, it’s not even my favourite album of his overall. But, for Circle alone, this is my favourite. The first track, 'Cranial Tyrant' shows exactly what this album is going to be. The best way I can describe it is that it took all the things that were strong about the... self-title, and improves on the rest. The sound is more full; the guitars are more varied between tracks while keeping the thrashy sound. Klayton is singing half decently, which is good. Now, on the whole I don’t like 'Cranial Tyrant” as a song, but this is such a huge step up from the self-title. And there is also lots more, much better, material on this album. 'Prayers Of A Dead Man' uses samples of the children’s bedtime prayer “now I lay me down to sleep”. This could have been so that Klayton could please his labels overlords, or because the prayer is BLOODY TERRIFYING! You could just imagine Jason Voorhees chanting it. Oh, and the song is good. The effect on Klayton's voice is kind of odd, but not distracting. Next up is the first of a pair of songs, those being 'Regressor- Aggressive Mix' and the later 'Aggressor- Regressive Mix”. Despite being remixes of each other, they are both too like each other. That’s probably my biggest issue with them- their similarities. Luckily, they are both good. It’s mostly sampled voice clips, but it helps to create an interesting soundscape. Skipping quite a few, which I don’t have anything to say to, we reach 'Descend' which uses what I can only assume to be distorted machinery at the beginning. Its unique and interesting. One interesting sample used says “we have big economic problems, but we are not coming apart at the seams”. This is in relationship to America. Yea, sure. The next song is 'Deviate'. Now, this song is arguably, the iconic Circle Of Dust song. A grand, five-minute-long stream of hard, thrashy guitars, paired with industrial sensibilities, and an overarching powerful sound. It’s the best song on the album, and part of the reason that I love this album. About midway through, it cuts out in a short fake out ending. The “last” song is “aggressor- regressive mix” which I have kind of already dealt with. The re release also features further material, including a remix of 'Deviate' by Blue Stahli, the song 'Contagion', which I will gush about when I get to Machines Of Our Disgrace, and a cover of the song 'Am I In Sync?' by Steve Taylor. The album cover for the original is a weird, distorted, photo negative eye. The re-release is an eye with mechanical parts all around it, and the circle of dust phoenix reflected in the pupil. So at least it's consistent. Next up: Klayton's first foray into side projects, with the debut (and only) Argyle Park album, Misguided.

MISGUIDED - ARGYLE PARK (1995)
DAD: It'd be too easy to make a play on the title across several contexts, the music itself, the effect it might be having on my son, my willingness to agree to listen to this stuff. Argyle Park is a 'side project' of Mr Klayton apparently. My advice is, if you're going to do a side project, make it sufficiently different from what you usually do to justify it. The Power Station was a side project. Tin Machine was a side project. Even The Seeger Sessions was a side project. This is just making more noise under another name. So it's the same old, same old industrial thrash, throat damaging vocals and presumably dressing in black and stomping about the stage. I guess the reason Elderson likes it is that it sounds like the backing track on any of a myriad of first person shooter video games. Mrs Rockodyssey is sitting next to me as we share in this musical experience. Track three is called 'Agony' and we are united in our agreement with the sentiment. Many of the tracks are mercifully short, so maybe that's an acknowledgement of the lack of ideas. There's a touch of relief with the rippling synth part which is a little like a John Carpenter soundtrack on 'Circle' and quite a lot like Orbital/Rickie Lee Jones' 'Little Fluffy Clouds'. But normal service is soon resumed. Just to clarify as well, I'm very happy to express a negative opinion on religion, but my dislike of this has nothing to do with it being Christian, and everything to do with it being not very good. U2 are a Christian band, and while I'm no big fan, it doesn't stop me appreciating parts of what they do.

SON: Okay, so I kinda-sorta lied. This is not the only Argyle Park album, but it’s the only one counted as a Klayton project. Argyle park was a “mega band”, with its three main members being “Dred, Deathwish and Buka.” Dred and Deathwish where both revealed to be Klayton, and Buka was Chris Montello. The album was also produced by Klayton, being the first time he used the “Celldweller” alias. The band made two albums, but only the debut, “Misguided” is available. The second album, “AP2” is also technically credited to a separate group, so I don’t have too many hard feelings over not covering it. The album opens with 'Refuge' which is talking. This album is not a concept album. Why does it open with a concept album opening? The voice is JG Thirlwell, whoever that is. Its alright. The next track 'Headscrew' is good. Bit of growling, bit of singing, lots of guitars, and some good sampled noise and techno weird. The track is short. Most on here are, but that’s not bad. It works for the style of them. This song features Mark Solomon and “Klank”. After this comes 'Agony' which I guess shows why this album is my favourite of Klayton's early stuff: its caught in a midpoint between Circle Of Dust and Celldweller. It’s got the weird sampled noise and angrier tone of Circle, but the refinement of Celldweller. 'Futile' is a lot of fun techno/industrial noise. Just good, fun noise. This follows directly into 'Scared For Life' which features… Celldweller? It says so. Not sure if this was added later or not, but if it wasn’t this was the first time Klayton had used the name Celldweller as a band. Argyle Park seems to be full of firsts. The song isn’t to bad, but there is very little to say that hasn’t already been, well, said. 'A Burden’s Folly' is a little too emo for me. I mean, the lyrics are “still born, dead soul, rotting from within”. I mean, I like the song. It’s just a bit generic. 'Circle – Redux' is a bit of pointless filler. Again, it sounds good though. 'Violent' has a unique bit of techno for its beat. It also “features” Circle Of Dust, meaning that it brings some of that styling across. Which is good. This is followed by 'Diesel' which is more filler. The latter half of the album has a saddeningly large amount of this. 'Gutterboy' is more of the same. The good same, but the same. I realise I have been saying that a lot, but the strange thing is that, despite being similar, each track Is unique. 'Og' is filler, and kind of annoying. I would say it’s the only track I straight up dislike. 'Doomsayer' takes on a slightly hip-hop type styling to the lyrics, while keeping the same industrial/metal/techno music. 'Uffern' is the last classic track, but, because none of the new stuff will be featured on Machines Of Our Disgrace', I get to cover it! Which is good as “Fanny Pack” (ft. Blue Stahli and Mark Solomon) is easily the best track on the album. The instruments are full and energised, the distortion on the voices isn’t half bad, and if anything adds to it. 'The Communist Masters Of Deceit' isn’t so good, though. It is dull, uninspired and, frankly, just a little but too simple. Last up 'Lonely', which is… just okay. Nothing too notable. The final final track is a Vs mashup of 'Doomsayer' and 'Fanny Pack', which is scarily good. It’s a shame Argyle Park was so short lived. It ran into a lot of controversy in its time, and so found a hard time staying relevant, especially after the label folded. Argyle Park is unlikely to ever raise its ugly head again outside of supporting roles in other Klayton projects. Well, back to normality with the last circle of dust album for twenty years Disengage. Cover: trees. Both have trees. Not much else to say.

DISENGAGE – CIRCLE OF DUST (1998)

DAD: Disengage! Pull up! Pull Up! Unfortunately, I’m committed. And track one is called ‘Waste Of Time’ If I can’t read those signals I’m beyond help. However, this IS a little better (Elderson claimed it would be). Less frenetic and a little more tuneful. ‘Babylon’ is a kind of BBC radiophonic workshop offering and is moderately interesting. Funnily enough, Elderson, Youngerson and I were playing Munchkin Cthulhu last night and many of these tracks have titles that sound like squirmy, tentacly, brainsucky things from a parallel dimension: ‘Yurasaka’, ‘Thulcandra’, ‘Perelandra’. Teenage boys like that kind of stuff so it makes sense to appeal to your target market. The songs are also Lovecraftian in that they’ll probably drive you mad and leave you in a gibbering heap in the corner. There’s a touch of The Prodigy about some of it. ‘Chasm’ is a bit like ‘Pressure’.  Weirdly ‘Blindeye’ starts like ‘Who Are You’ but, alas, fails to progress from a good start. Then, with ‘Mesmerized’ they even attempt some REMish chiming guitar. Toward the end great empathy is shown to the listener with ‘You Are Fragile’. Indeed I am after this, and the flatulent white noise of that particular track is not helping. And finally, they engage the services of animated blue tang Dory to do a bit of whalesong on the title track. This may be the most listenable effort so far, but that doesn’t mean I’d listen to it out of choice.


SON: This is the best Circle Of Dust album. No, no, be quiet, it is. four years obviously did Klayton some good, as the opening track ‘Waste Of Time’ has *gasp* good singing. Maybe it’s the rougher sound to Klayton’s voice, but he sounds good. Admittedly, the chorus is quite forced, but it still works. The sound is also good. I think that’s sampled sound making up the beat. ‘Refractor’ doesn’t mess around, jumping straight into it. Yet again, a unique sound and good singing. Although it does seem like the singing occasionally gets buried underneath the guitars. The song isn’t bad, but it’s not great. ‘Yurasuka’ is “you’re a sucker” with the spaces removed and in text speak. How very clever. And original. It also happens to have one of the best chorus lines ever in my opinion. I mean, the way Klayton sings it just makes the very simple line of ‘did it for a sucker, that’s a sucker like you’ amazing. The music also isn’t too bad. Bit of beepy electronica, bit of guitars, not bad at all. ‘chasm’ is my favourite track. Klayton’s singing does seem to be a bit off, but when it gets into it, it improves drastically. Also, the re-used lyric of ‘You Are Fragile’ adds something to this. ‘Thulcandra’ is an instrumental track. This album has a few of them. I also feel like the track title follows the ‘Yurasuka’ school of naming, but I can’t figure it out. Its good, but I wish it was an actual, vocal track. It’s kind of a relief that Klayton relegated this kind of stuff to the ‘soundtrack for the voices in my head’ series when it came to Celldweller. ‘Blindeye’ drops the ball. Klayton seems to have given up when it comes to singing. It’s not awful, it’s just bland, and a tad forced. Also, WHY IS IT UNDER THE MUSIC! Beyond that, though, still sounds good. ‘Mesmerized’ fits the title. It’s slow, melodic and has an almost dream like quality to the music. It also takes seeming inspiration from the musical version of ‘war of the worlds’. Klayton’s singing mirrors this, being slower and more melodic. ‘You Are Fragile’ is a song made only from samples of the ‘you are fragile’ line from ‘chasm’ as the vocals. It’s not to bad. It’s just a bit dull, although the synth work is good. ‘Disengage’ is… meh. It opens slow, grungy and meh, and just kind of keeps it up for four minuets’. After this there are a few unreleased demo versions of tracks, then ‘Hate Open Wide’ comes along. It uses altered lyrics from ‘chasm’ as well as new female vocals, which have no stated owner. It then samples ‘Refractor’. I am gonna call this album here. There are more tracks to cover, but they are all quite far apart and separated by stuff that I can’t talk on. The Blue Stahli remix for this album is ‘Yurasuka’, and the track off Machines Of Our Disgrace is… ‘Machines Of Our Disgrace’. And this was, for the next two decades, the end of Circle Of Dust. After the release of this, the label that circle and Argyle where signed to shut down, leaving Klayton without control over his projects. While he did later regain the rights to Circle Of Dust and Argyle Park, he spent the time in-between going by another name: Celldweller. cover: original is a… face? With a photo over part of it? I have no clue. The re-release is a fleshy figure, suspended by tendrils, walking forward with the phoenix in the background. I have… no idea.

CELLDWELLER (2003)

DAD: So one thing I need to try and work out is the difference between all these incarnations of this Klayton person. It’s an easy out to claim it all sounds the same (it does) so I’ll have to come up with some theories. Maybe Celldweller is more band-ish? Not going in for instrumentals so much? Dare I say, more ‘pop’. ‘Switchback’ is OK. Quite insistent although he gets somewhat fraught at the end. And ‘Stay With Me (Unlikely)’ has a decent tune. It’s almost a love song, although he’s not working very hard at the relationship. If you imagine Anthrax doing the Big Brother theme tune you might get a sense of what ‘The Last Firstborn’ is like. He is literally gasping for breath at the end of one particularly forthright scream. He approaches quiet and reflective on ‘Under My Feet’ and 'Afraid This Time'. Quiet and reflective self-loathing at least. There's a nice female vocal on the Teen-Spirit tinged 'Unlikely - Stay With Me' (see what he did?). Dory is back at the start of 'Welcome To The End', which as a title shows that even Klayton might suspect that it's been a gruelling experience. In the end I just ended up rather bored with this, which amounts to an improvement of sorts, since it wasn't upsetting me any more. And it goes on too long. There are 18 tracks, and while a few are less than a minute, clocking in a just short of 70 minutes is  too much for me. This and the last album have been just about acceptable, and while I wouldn't describe it as a purple patch, maybe it's a rich brown? That's a Doctor Who weeping angel on the cover isn't it? Since this predates their TV debut I will assume that Steven Moffat is a big fan and my respect for him has fallen further.

SON: Five years later, and Klayton returned, in a… blaze of glory? Yea, we’ll see about that. this is the second self-titled debut album that Klayton put out. Now going by the name ‘Celldweller’, times had changed. And this album is… just kind of okay. It’s not heaps better than ‘Disengage’ was, but its defiantly an improvement. The opening track is ‘Cell 1’, which isn’t talking, but deep breathing. This album is not a concept album. WHY DOES IT HAVE A CONCEPT ALBUM OPENING? ‘Cell 1’ leads into the first proper track, ‘Switchback’. If this, or anything on this album sounds familiar, that’s because you may well have heard it before. According to the *sarcasm begins* always accurate Wikipedia *sarcasm ends* every track on this album has been licensed to one thing or another. For example, ‘Switchback’ was in Spiderman 2 and the old Punisher movie, and other tracks have appeared in the Keanu Reeves Constantine movie, one of the ‘XXX: Xander cage’ films, and numerous other movies and videogames. Anyway, back to ‘Switchback’. It’s all good, nice guitars and singing and all, but then Klayton starts rapping. Oh, boy welcome to the early 2000’s. okay, it’s not too bad, just a bit strange. ‘Stay With Me (Unlikely)’ is a slightly more synth focused track, but still has a lot of nice thrash guitars. Klayton seems to force the high notes in the chorus. In fairness, he has stated that he can’t hit falsetto notes due to ruining his voice in the Circle Of Dust days. ‘The Last Firstborn’ is boring until the chorus, where there is some nice female chanting and the fast-paced chorus lines hit you. And the techno/electronica side hits you. And it’s wonderful. ‘Under My Feet’ starts with some acoustic guitar. It is slow, melodic and interesting. It wouldn’t sound out of place in giant space epic. ‘frozen’ has nothing to do with Disney, came first by over ten years, is better, and does convey a very cold tone with the music. It’s interesting, and possibly one of the best songs on the album. ‘Symbiont’ feels a bit like a Linkin Park song. I don’t know why I say that. It just kind of does. I like it, though. ‘Fadeaway’ starts off quite slow and dull, then picks up, and then goes scream right at the end. It’s a strange song. After that is ‘Cell 2’ which is talking. THIS ALBUM IS NOT A CONCEPT ALBUM! ‘Own Little World’ is very much single material. I wouldn’t exactly call it bad, just a tad simple. Following this is ‘Unlikely (Stay With Me)’ which is a kinda-sorta remix of ‘Stay With Me (Unlikely)’. Despite this, it manages to stand on its own. The acoustic sounding guitar, the bouncy synth effects, and the almost dubstepesque drop contribute to making this a unique song, apart from the rest of the album entirely. ‘One Good Reason’ starts awfully. But, then the actual song kicks in, and it’s great. ‘Cell 3’ is talking. THIS ALBUM IS NOT A CONCEPT ALBUM! Finally, ‘Welcome To The End’ starts with whale song. The whole song has a sort of aquatic feel. The song is also quite mellow, both in music and singing. Quite the departure from… the rest of the album. I like it. And that is the start of the second half. ‘Celldweller’ isn’t too much of a departure from Circle Of Dust. But, it was a departure. And, if I do say so, a good one. this is not my favourite Celldweller album. But it is arguably the most important. Cover: Tentacles surrounding a praying statue.

WISH UPON A BLACKSTAR - CELLDWELLER (2012)
DAD: Before we even start the date of release is causing me issues. Wikipedia suggests that it was released in 5 chapters between 2009 and 2012. Not a proper album then, more of a cobbled together collage of material. However much Elderson might protest that the Christian record label is a flag of convenience, the lyrics of the second track, 'Unshakeable', are "Beyond the edges of our galaxy, three figures watch over us". That's a fairly clear message. Also "Sing Hallelujah cos you can't change anything" on the title track is a deity-submissive sentiment. Anyway, it's a concept album, there's even a sci-fi novel that goes with it and the artwork supports this. But! This is actually a lot better than what has gone before, although the aforementioned 'Blackstar' would have a fighting chance in the Eurovision Song Contest. Klayton apparently originates from New York, but as 'yaouw', which you only really hear in Dudley, West Midlands or on Peaky Blinders. The opening to 'Birthright' is a little Jam-ish. If you really stretch your imagination it has echoes of 'Down At The Tube Station...' or somesuch. And the vocal strays alarmingly close to Le Bon territory, which is somewhere no-one really wants to go.  However, as I've said already, this is approaching acceptable. Still wouldn't choose to listen to it though and it is even longer than the last one, a whopping 74 minutes.

SON:  Must…. Resist…Bowie…joke. but, yes, this did technically come first, and is a better album in my opinion… sorry? I don’t know, honestly, as i have only really heard ‘Blackstar’ second hand (as in, I have never actually listened to it, but i overhear it) and it just is not my taste.. I feel wrong saying that, despite it having been a year since Bowie’s sad passing. Enough dilly-dallying, though. This came out about ten years after ‘Celldweller’. this was because of Klayton setting up his own record label (FiXT music) and building his studio, so that’s fine. First point: the deluxe edition is better, and it’s not because it has any extra tracks. I just think the ordering is better. But, I should do the normal version, so here goes. The first track is ‘The Arrival’, which is a short little bit of synths. This album is a concept album. Just a head up. The first proper track is ‘Unshakable’ which kind of epitomises this album. Its cleaner. The sound is very precise, and uncluttered. There is a lot more focus on synths over your traditional metal ensemble, as seen in the circle of dust years. It almost has a sort of drum-and-bass, dubstep-y feel to it, intermixed with some metal styling in the heavy guitars. I will say that, despite Klayton saying that this album was about the songs, and so lyrics came first, the lyrics are the weakest part of this whole album. They are all kind of simple and repetitive. The title track ‘Blackstar’ kind of shows this. The first line is “you must have wished on it, I saw them riding in a Blackstar” which, if you ask me is not to good. But, the music is good. Very different to the last track. ‘Eon’ Is probably the most ‘single’ of the tracks on here. I really like it, despite it being a bit bland overall. ‘Louder Than Words’ is another good example of why the lyrics on this album are sort of lacking. “actions speak louder than words, I don’t want to hear dead words from you” is the chorus line. Again, not sure if it’s just me, but this is kind of very eh. ‘memories of A girl I haven’t met’ is a short little piece, mostly there to remind you that, yes, this is, in fact, a concept album. As it goes, though, it’s not a bad little thing. The lyrics are very good, all be it brief, and Klayton’s singing Is on point. ‘Gift For You’ is a creepy little blighter of a game. The lyrics and their delivery make it legitimately spine-chilling at times. Also, once more, the synths take centre stage to make up most the melody while the guitars sit at the back. Also, when listening to this I can’t help but imagine a smiling serial killer leering over me. I ain’t sleeping tonight… ‘The Lucky One’ is notable for having the best breakdown segment towards the end. Other than that, more eh lyrics and interesting instrumentation. ‘The Seven Sisters’ takes a very bleak outlook on everything. Then again, what on this album doesn’t? ‘It Makes No Difference Who We Are’ is why the deluxe edition is better. This should be the opening track. Beyond that, it’s great. The little synth melody at the beginning gives me Goosebumps every time. It’s just a good, sci-fi sounding tune. Downtrodden and sad, while also hopeful, which is kind of this albums whole theme in my opinion. ‘Tainted’ is the penultimate track. Not much to say, other than that I love it. If it wasn’t for the next track, ‘Tainted’ would probably be my favourite track on the whole album. ‘Against The Tide’, however… oh by. This song. This song is near perfect. It’s a sad little tune, but also gets more powerful later. I don’t know how to sum it up. It’s just great. As is this album. ‘WUaBS’ represents the moment when Klayton finally figured out what Celldweller was. It gives of a nice, sci-fi air to it, and has very few technical flaws beyond some slightly derivative lyrics. It’s not perfect, obviously. I would never claim that. but it’s a damn good album. Cover: dull, sci-fi eh-ness, with Klayton trying too hard to look cool in those goggles.. Go to the deluxe edition for a good cover… or just a better version of the album in general (trust me, the track ordering does matter in turning this album from good to great.)

END OF AN EMPIRE - CELLDWELLER (2015)
DAD: I won't lie, this is becoming a chore. It's nearly 2 months since I listened to the last album. However, if I've learned nothing else from Bruce Springsteen's autobiography, it's that fathers really must not let down their sons. So, a concerted effort to get to the end and get this lot out of my hair. Concept album, some kind of sci-fi vibe going on. Elderson has a penchant for Muse as well and there is a bit of them in this. I can kind of see why it appeals to him, it's quite strident and assertive. If you are suffering from testosterone imbalances I'd imagine it helps to push your buttons. You get to my age however and you'd rather hear something slightly more, well, contemplative. The release history of this involves drip feeding 'chapters' over a period of time before pulling it all together for the final release. If I might be so bold I would suggest that the ultimate in episodic musical releases must be R Kelly's R&B soap opera 'Trapped In The Closet'. Listen here to a pretty hilarious discussion of it by Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish. Anyhow, back to this, fourth track 'Heart On' is sweary and contains the line "I fought a monster a mile high, arm-wrestled 20 octopi". Now they've lost me, we all know that the correct way to pluralise octopus is 'octopodes'. They've made a schoolboy error and done so in order to achieve a lame rhyme. Respect is not due. I mean, I suppose overall it's OK. And there is a fairly clear idea behind it all. If you listen very hard, stretch your imagination and take some mind-altering substances you might just detect something of Yes's 'City Of Love' on otherwise horrid noisefest 'Down To Earth'. Also a little puzzling to me, this album features both Scandroid and Circle Of Dust, and yet I've been led to believe by the old block chip that they are all one and the same person. To quote J. Rotten Esq. "Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?". I don't mind the artwork, but you can see who it's targeted at.

SON: Concept album. Oh boy. So like ‘Wish Upon A Blackstar’, this was released in four ‘chapters’ (titled Time, Love, Dreams and Death respectively) throughout the year, and was then compiled here. And yes, I forgot to mention that ‘Wish’ was released that way. Sue me. The difference is that the chapters of ‘End Of An Empire’ had a wealth more content on them than those of ‘Wish’, which only had 2 tracks per chapter. ‘End Of An Empire’ managed a whole album worth of content per chapter, although it was mostly padding in the form of remixes (compiled on the aptly titled ‘the remixes’ album), and ‘factions’, which where the albums way of delivering the story. Three of these ‘factions’ are on the standard version of the album (which, unlike ‘Wish’ is of equal quality to the deluxe edition as track ordering does squat for this one), they have ended up residing on ‘Soundtrack For The Voices In My Head Volume 4’, which is an album I have no cares for, alongside the rest Klayton’s instrumental soundtrack series. First disclaimer over, onto the next. This also has nothing to do with Wish Upon A Blackstar’s story, but does have connections to Klayton’s Eighties new-wave project, ‘Scandroid’ (which I am getting to). Scandroid, however, IS connected to Wish Upon A Black Star in story, so… I don’t know. The album opens with ‘Faction 1’, which sets up the world, but has no music to speak of, so I will ignore it. ‘new Elysium’ is… alright. As an opening track, it does nothing wrong, but something about the EDM synth dance sound of many the instruments really throws it for me. ‘End Of An Empire’ is a much harsher song overall. Again, not the kind of thing that would be out of place in a space epic. It goes more metal quite quickly, which is a shame, as I really kind of prefer the slower EDM stuff on this track. ‘Heart On’ uses what may be a real recording of a heart at the beginning. I am not sure. The actual verse structure of this song isn’t great, but the chorus and following techno/ distortion breakdown is decent. If you can’t tell, I am trying to be subdued with this one, and not just scream that this is the best album of all time. It’s not, obviously, but, since its release last year, I have not stopped coming

SCANDROID (2016)
DAD: So my modus operandum now is to stick it on Spotify and type whatever comes into my head as I listen to it for the one and only time. With that in mind, this actually starts quite promisingly with '2517', a fairly low-paced piece of thick electronica which is closer to Moroderish disco than previous aural assaults and continues in a similar Hi-NRG vein with 'Salvation Code'. There's a touch of Depeche Mode crossed with Duran Duran on 'Aphelion'. Hold on...this is...not completely awful (although if a saving grace is that you vaguely resemble DD then you can see that you are starting from quite a low baseline).  And then, as if to confirm that I am on totally the right track by accusing them of ripping off classic eighties sounds, a cover of Tears For Fears' 'Shout' jumps out of the bushes. It's a good song anyway and it hasn't really been significantly messed with here. 'Connection' has that Ultravox-y dead electronic snare running through it. So it's not actively offensive, but after a while you begin to wonder whether it has any purpose. About halfway through and I'm finding it competently boring. Almost like an academic exercise in producing a certain genre of music, but not inventive enough to be interesting. The trick of featuring one of your other artistic personas on a song seems to be about bringing a certain style to bear on the recording. So 'Pro-bots And Robophobes' features Circle Of Dust and is therefore not as good as some of the earlier stuff on the album. If you ask me it's a pretentious conceit, and suggests that Mr Klayton takes himself a teensy bit too seriously - the worst crime any artist can commit in my book. More Le Bonnish vocal stylings on Eden and then we finish up with 'Singularity' in which Vangelis soundtracky stuff is attempted. This is the least odious of Klayton's output so far, so in relative terms, it is a triumph.

SON: It’s one thing to make a concept album, but Scandroid is a concept band. The “story” is that it’s the future (2517) in Japan and humanity has been divided, with the upper class living in “Neo Tokyo” and the lower, including Klayton's in-story persona of “Red”, live in Old Tokyo. And then robots happen or something. I don’t care enough to pay attention, and it does nothing to helping the music. All I really know is that its connected to Blackstar in some way, and to End Of An Empire, even though Blackstar and EOAE are not connected. This is, unlike everything else that Klayton has done, an eighties new-wave project. So… yea. The first track '2517' starts as a slow piece that wouldn’t exactly be out of place in a John Carpenter movie. This track is also the furthest the album goes into embracing its own mythos. It's fine, Klayton's singing is a bit eh but it's fine. Then it kicks in and shows just why Scandroid is as good as it is in my opinion. Its unique among Klayton's roster, focusing more on EDM tropes and ideas than thrash and industrial. In fact, there are very few organic guitars on here. And it’s all the better for it. Second track is 'Salvation Code' was the first track released. It’s weird. It still has the eighties synth-rock tone of the whole album, but it really does find itself lying in the midground between Scandroid and everything else. The next track 'Aphelion' goes back to the more eighties feel, but does still feel a little too much like everything else. Oh well. This is followed by 'Shout' which, yes, is a cover of the Tears For Fears song. If that was what you were thinking. It’s a decent cover, changing enough to be different. Maybe not different enough for my taste.  'Destination Unknown' is the first instrumental track. I don’t care for it. 'DataStream' was the second single to be released. And it has actual guitars. I like it, but, again with the early material, it isn’t quite what the rest of the project became. The same goes for 'Empty Streets' but this song is good enough to be ignorable in this regard.  'Awakening With You' is my favourite track. I think I am just a sucker for Theremin syllabic intros. It’s a love song which does at time feel too closely linked with the album's story. That said, it’s still a legitimately great song in my opinion. Its musically strong at lyrically interesting. 'Atom & E.E.V' is another instrumental track. It’s not bad, with a nice cyber-punk tone to it, but it goes on too-long. Also, saxophone. 'Neo-Tokyo' does embrace the concept part of the album a little too much. The lyrics are made up exclusively of references to the plot and story. Unlike “awakening with you”, which can stand alone as a weird love song with robot references, 'Neo-Tokyo' is just stuff that only makes sense if you know what is going on. This is a problem as Scandroid is likely the most radio-friendly thing Klayton has ever put out, so having the lyrics be too deeply connected is an issue, as it alienates casual listeners. 'Pro-bots And Robophobes' is a Circle Of Dust song. No, sorry, it is. It is even listed as “featuring Circle Of Dust'. I like the song, don’t get me wrong there, but it does not work here. It is also more concerned with telling the album story than being a song that you would want to listen to out of context. 'Eden' is good, fitting in with the rest of the album, but it has a few too many religious references and allusions for my taste. Klayton, save this for Circle. And that’s it. There is only singularity (another instrumental) and a remix of Eden left. For the record, I love this album, and am so glad that Klayton is experimenting with other genres of music. yea… (cover: "Red” with the Scandroid logo and Old Tokyo in the background. Very "anime", which works I guess, given the setting).

MACHINES OF OUR DISGRACE - CIRCLE OF DUST (2016)
DAD: It may not have escaped your notice if you have read through my musings on the varied incarnations of Klayton, that I haven't specifically shown great appreciation for his efforts. If so then you have come away with an accurate impression - although the usual caveats that anyone who can produce any music of any kind has a more talented pinkie than my entire body still hold. However I would also point you to the accompanying posts by Elderson. His submissions admittedly do require some editorial work, although I rarely change any of the wording at all, unless it is to correct a spelling error or misheard word (and I am a stickler for 'house-style'). At the time of writing he is 16 years old. 16! I couldn't produce writing anything like as passionate or knowledgeable at that age. And he loves and respects this artist. He speaks to him in a way that I cannot understand, which is right and proper. You won't be surprised to learn that he thinks Bruce Springsteen is boring and tedious, and bands like Marillion or Pink Floyd are just bizarre and actually a bit stupid, but despite that, I'm proud of him for his eloquence and enthusiasm, and for finding something that he can relate to that I can't really stand! This is the Circle Of Dust persona, which means speech samples and sub-Metallica electro-thrash. I do hope he uses technology to make his voice do some of the things it does 'Humanarchy' features that growly-demon voice thing that these kind of acts like so much. He does bring in some of that Le Bon-like vocal from the Scandroid album into the odd track. I'm trying to think of a way to describe it. A kind of strained anguished whine? So that's it. It's been an experience I guess. Sort of like discovering you don't like pickled eggs and then going back eight more times to make sure.

SON: I have been holding off on listening to this one. The singles were good, I will say, but the idea of a Circle Of Dust revival is a bit odd to me. I like Circle Of Dust, but it could very easily end up as a Celldweller clone. I must say ‘Re-engage’ is a clever opening title. The last album was called ‘Disengage’. Straight up: this sounds very robotic and ‘industrial’. I also like the way the crescendo of the song builds. This leads straight into the title track. First issue: there is definitely a lot of Celldweller here. Maybe Klayton spoiled us with exactly how unique ‘Scandroid’ was, but this is just heavier Celldweller. Oh well. I still like it. ‘Contagion’ was the first new Circle Of Dust track released. And, yes, it does still sound like a Celldweller song, but is also just a great little track in my opinion. Is that a Morgan Freeman sample on ‘Embracing Entropy’? The distortion makes it hard to tell. Other than that, this song is just kind of meh. ‘Humanarchy’ is the most Circle Of Dust track here. Which is to say it’s all A-tonal screaming. I feel like this is beginning to sound like this album isn’t very good, when it is. The problem is that, as stated before, this is too Celldweller and not enough Circle Of Dust. ‘alt_Human’ sounds like another Celldweller song. I can’t put my finger on what one though. Other than that, it’s a fairly generic song. I am running out of things to say about this album. For the first time, well, ever with one of Klayton’s albums, this bores me. There is very little to differentiate it from EoaE, or the self title, or even Disengage and the other Circle albums. ‘Outside In’ begins reminding me of ‘Against The Tide’, which is kind of refreshing. The song goes a bit ‘Scandroid’ later. It’s not too bad, good even. I can’t say the same for ‘Neurachem’ which goes back to the boring style of the rest of the album. I think my biggest problem with the album is that it just doesn’t have the explicit variety of the Celldweller albums, but it doesn’t give in to the full heavy noise of the first Circle Of Dust albums. It’s weird. ‘k_OS’ looks like an emoji. Any ideas on what it means? Back to the music: ugh! Can this just end already? I have given this album the benefit of the doubt, but it’s getting harder to do. This song seems to sample melodies and riffs from other songs on the album. ‘Neophyte’ wouldn’t sound out of place on the first Circle Of Dust album… oh, wait, it was on the first Circle Of Dust album. This one isn’t too bad. The chosen vocal samples are bad, though. ‘Malcandra’ should be on Disengage. Just look at the name and tell me otherwise. It even has the slow droning opening that lots of the songs on Disengage had. So. Klayton. Needless to say I like all of it, with only minor complaints along the way. This kind of music is just my style and speed. That being said, Scandroid is the best album, and Circle Of Dust the worst. my worry is that Klayton is either going to oversaturate himself, or lose the charm these albums have to me. Last year alone, he managed to release: the Circle Of Dust remasters, Scandroid, machines of our disgrace, and ‘Soundtrack For The Voices In My Head Volume 4’, and two albums in the ‘Transmissions’ series as well as releasing a digital instrument, and scoring the soundtrack for Season 3 of the videogame KIllerinstinct, re-releasing the remix album ‘Time And Space’ with more content, and signing three new artists to the FiXT label (‘The Algorithum’, ‘The Quemists’ and ‘Raizer’). With this amount of work, it’s really no-wonder that ‘Machines’ didn’t turn out so well, as it was produced in the span of one year, and a hectic one for him at that. ultimately, though, as long as the music continues to be good, I will continue to listen. (Cover: Person with mechanical parts in the shape of the phoenix. Once again, the artist outdid themselves. Shame the same can’t be said for the music)

Bats Out Of Hell

BAT OUT OF HELL (1977)
DAD: Do you remember when compact discs were the best thing since, well, the compact cassette tape and Michael Rodd was busy spreading jam on them on Tomorrow's World? Well one side-effect of the CD revolution was that people started claiming that you could hear all kinds of background noises on albums. Whether you could hear Ringo breaking wind during Let It Be, I just do not know, but I was confidently told by someone that on the spoken intro to 'You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth' you could hear the guy's dental plate moving in his mouth. At least I think it was that song, it could have been the spoken bit in 'Thriller', but that was Vincent Price wasn't it? And I can't believe that he would settle for a badly fitting dental prosthesis. Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman utterly reject the Marks and Spencer theory of selling and do not locate their most desirable product at the back of the store to get you to past the dross. The title track is up front and centre as Track 1, Side 1. Also, they don't actually have much dross to peddle. Quite a bit of cheese, but all good blue-veiny aromatic stuff, none of your low-fat Cathedral City thank you. And look at the release date too. 1977. The summer of punk. Nobody wanted overblown, theatrical, gothic rock and roll while the Pistols and the Damned ran riot did they? Well apparently so, because Bat Out Of Hell speaks to the disillusioned teenager trying to find their way in the world in all of us and sex, bikes, death and a bit of horror is a potent brew. 'Bat Out Of Hell' is the perfect successor for 'Leader Of The Pack' and predecessor for Richard Thompson's '1952 Vincent Black Lightning'. Bad boys going too fast on their bikes and paying the ultimate price (OK. Thompson's protagonist gets shot during a robbery, but you get the point). On that spoken intro to 'YTTWROOMM' (you have to do this with Steinman titles) the bloke's successive Yesses tend to start sounding tetchier and tetchier, as if he's getting fed up of the constant stream of questions. That girl is high maintenance. The closing piano bars of 'Heaven Can Wait' are echoes of 'Thunder Road' and there is a touch of Bruce-ishness about the piano and sax-heavy rite of passage 'All Revved Up With No Place To Go'. J just told me that an ex-boyfriend once dedicated 'Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad' to her, which is one reason why I married her and he didn't. We listened to this album as a family on the way to the cinema the other day and once we had heard to 'Paradise By The Dashboard Light', I felt I had fulfilled my obligations in providing sex-education to my two boys. It also runs the gamut of every American rock n roll style from the fifties to the seventies. It's rather rich to single out any song on this as particularly histrionic, but 'For Crying Out Loud' wins it for me, and also has a disquieting similarity to Cliff Richard's best song, 'Miss You Nights'. Wikipedia hints that Steinman was aiming for 'Wagnerian Rock' and the clashing cymbals here certainly do the trick. The sequels just can't measure up can they, especially III?

SON: Okay, before I get into this, there is something I must say: no-matter my opinions, no-matter my thoughts, there is one thing that can’t be denied. That is just how great this album is on merit alone. At the very least, everyone should be at least passingly familiar with some of its contents. It doesn’t matter what I say. This album, or, at least, the opening track IS the iconic Meatloaf. Anyway, enough rambling, let’s do this. And we start with 'Bat Out Of Hell' which is, if not one of the best songs of all time, then easily one of the best known. My first relationship with this song was when CITV used to use it advertise Yu-Gi-Oh…I feel bad about that… anyway, I just want to say that the use of piano in hard rock/metal styled music works surprisingly well. 'You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth” starts with weird talking. It’s almost more memorable than the actual song. Not to say anything against the song, though. Musically its good. It’s just kind of bland. Then again, isn’t everything compared to the title track? 'Two Out Of Three Aint Bad' is good. A sombre little piece. I like it.  'Paradise By The Dashboard Light' is a song in multiple parts, but with one story. Its… all, right? I don’t like the first “movement” but, after that it turns into a relationship through rugby- I mean football- references. This is short-lived. The next part isn’t great, but it’s not bad. And then it ends with a final part which is just perfect. And then 'For Crying Out Loud' is quiet and forgettable for the most part. How the sequels could live up to this I don’t know. Cover depicts a character escaping hell on a bike. So, very literal interpretation.

BAT OUT OF HELL II (1993)
DAD: Warning. Most of this post is likely to turn into a rant about the opening 'I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)'. A Frankenstein's monster of a track which abounds with lyrical absurdities. Let's get the obvious out of the way first. He'd do anything for love but he won't do that. Meaning he won't do anything for love. It's oxymoronic with the emphasis on the moronic. "And some days it don't come easy, and some days it don't come hard, and some days it don't come at all and these are the days that never end". So in fact each day has one of three outcomes, which actually cover all the possibilities (let's not trouble ourselves with the low level innuendo). With the line "Sex and drums and rock and roll" I can only assume that Steinman used his spellchecker to proofread the lyric and it failed to spot the presence of an 'm' instead of a 'g'. Surely it can't have been to ensure it got airplay can it? Were we that puritanical in 1993? What else? "Will you hose me down with holy water if I get too hot? (HOT!)". Holy water doesn't generally come from a hydrant. "Will you colorize my life, I'm so sick of black and white". Give me strength. I have to admit I do quite enjoy Meat's appalled tone when she accuses him "Sooner or later you'll be screwing around". "I won't do THAT!" he says while raising his handbag to his chest. As for the tune itself. They try out three intros, roaring motorcycles, tinkling piano and screaming guitars before deciding just to throw them all together. But, despite all this, you will still find yourself singing along. Truly the Devil's work. Of the rest, there's more on here that you'd recognize than you might like to admit. 'Rock and Roll Dreams Come True'  and 'Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are' are horribly familiar. I do have an affection for the latter since I heard it in a hotel restaurant in Edinburgh when we were having a weekend break being played on the lounge piano. One of those moments when you look at each other and say "Is he playing what I think he's playing?". Possibly the laziest song on the album is 'Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back' a whiny dirge in which he repeats yet another of the atrocities of IDAFL(BIWDT) by rhyming 'back' with 'fact'. Repeatedly. Steinman is also the master of the bracketed song title. His ditties are never fully complete without a parenthesised subtitle. Here we also have 'Out Of The Frying Pan (And Into The Fire)' and 'Good Girls Go To Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere)' - clearly not that bothered about getting the Sisterhood on board. More feckin' nonsense in the title 'Everything Louder Than Everything Else'. "You gotta learn to dance before you learn to crawl" saith Mr. Loaf. "A wasted youth is better by far than a wise and productive old age" he chants, as if repetition might make it more profound. The Who and Tyrell from Blade Runner got there years ago and said it much more elegantly. Whereas the original was funny and exciting and had an element of truth about it, this sequel suffers from the fate of so many sequels. Trying too hard to emulate the original. Even the artwork doesn't measure up.

SON: Oh, dear, a whole decade and a half between them? This reeks of cash grabs. Seriously, though, for future reference: never do this. Sequel albums should be reserved for albums with similar concepts musically, or concept albums, and never release them sixteen years apart if they are of the former category. Straight in with 'I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” and... well, it's definitely the best track on the whole album. The lyrics are horrible at times. I mean, my reasoning lies right in the title of this thing. It just feels constantly hypocritical. But, hey, at the very least is musically sound, unlike 'Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back'. Two points. One, only early fallout boy can pull of those sorts of titles, and two, this track is unbearably awful. its dull, meaningless trash. The lyrics are confused, the music is uninspired, and it’s just a huge hot mess. A hot mess that made it onto the best of Meatloaf album I should point out…WHY! And this is it for me. I just can’t comment on this album, because the rest is just… meh. Nothing stands out as good, nothing as bad. It’s all just… meh. I have listened to this album around ten times now, and I cant remember a single song. its unbearably bland. that's it. ITS OVER! I CANT! I JUST CANT! DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

BAT OUT OF HELL III (2006)
DAD: Did you even know it existed? I have to admit I needed to check whether I imagined it or not. It's better than II, although it got me thinking about the formula for Steinman/Meat Loaf songs and albums. First of all you need a title, and route one is to identify a fatuous phrase that can stand as a metaphor for pretty much anything. I'm tempted to go topical and suggest 'Brexit Means Brexit (And It's A Fact That We're Never Going Back)', but for my imaginary song let's go for 'Some You Win And Some You Lose (But I'm Never Gonna Lose You)'. Musically you have to stick to classic heavy rock tropes, so plenty of crashing guitars, crashing drums and tinkly piano inserts. Kettle drums too if you can squeeze them in. You do need to give some kind of nod to modernity though, so, for example the opening 'The Monster Is Loose' here is clearly influenced by the darker howling style of mid-noughties nu-metal. They are a little behind the curve with the intro to 'If It Ain't Broke Break It' (d'you see my point?) which starts promisingly enough sounding a bit like Metallica before almost immediately descending into a loud brassy blancmange of poodle rock. If you do a duet with a female singer then this tactic must be used sparingly. Only one or two songs per album at most. And you need a woman who has a voice honed by a 60-a-day habit. This album has 'It's All Coming Back To Me Now' which you might just remember, and 'What About Love'. You need a lot of choral backing as well. As for Meat himself, he needs something he can get his teeth into, although 'In The Land Of The Pig, The Butcher Is King' may be a step too far. If it's a ballad, there's a certain threshold of muscularity that has to be exceeded, or failing that he needs to be able to deploy his vibrato to the full (see 'Cry To Heaven'). Of course you need to make some classical references, so 'Monstro' is based on Carmina Burana and 'Seize The Night' has a full orchestral intro. Lyrically, all you need is a rhyming dictionary and have a reasonable grounding in gothic horror. Probably watching Hugh Jackman in 'Van Helsing' is enough. Nights are always long and lonely. The albums need a long centrepiece song and here 'Seize The Night' is pretty much the successor to 'Bat Out Of Hell' and 'IWDAFL(BIWDT)'.
Oh. There's a song called 'The Future Ain't What It Used To Be' as well. It features Jennifer Hudson. She should know better.

SON: Another decade? Oh, well. This album exists. Who knew? Anyway, I honestly wonder whether I was slipped a Slipknot or Disturbed album. Now, for me, that should be a good thing. This is my kind of music at its core. And yes, the opening track 'The Monster Is Loose' is good. But here is the problem: it’s not Bat Out Of Hell anymore. The first two, for good or worse, did have a similar style to them. This just went full Linkin-Park-with-cellos. In fairness, this could be seen as good thing. It means the style has developed, and has stuck to what was popular. I mean, this is the mid noughties we are talking about. This was the popular style. It’s just… I don’t know. Wrong to me, I guess. The next few tracks 'Blind As A Bat', 'It’s All Coming Back To Me Now' and 'Bad For Good' are better, with the prior two being slower, more traditional Bat-Out-Of-Hell material. 'Bad For Good' is rocky in the right way. It feels kind of like the first two, so that’s fine for me. 'In The Land Of The Pigs, The Butcher Is King' throws any good will I have left out the window. This is awful. It is too metal to fit, and just sounds like it’s trying to be edgy for the sake of being edgy. But, then my good will returns with 'Monstro'. Fun fact, Monstro is the name of both the whale in Pinocchio, and a boss in the video game 'The Binding Of Isaac'. The connection? Who knows. This is good though. It’s a big, choral song, with deep Latin chanting and all. This flows into 'Alive', which… is dang amazing. But, then comes our old friend of misheard lyrics. 'I am the tickle on the bum that you can’t turn back'? turns out that its meant to be 'Ticker On The Bomb' but I just don’t hear it. Rest of the song is good. I feel like 'If God Could Talk' is like something I have heard before. No-clue what though. That’s going to bug me. 'If It Ain't Broke, Break It' is bad. Loaf is, what, in his fifties when he made this. The kind of lyrics just don’t work for that. 'Seize The Night' is big and orchestral, which is always good. It then goes into a slower, piano segment, and then into the weird Nu-metal vibe this album has had. I don’t know. Its…alright, but I got bored quickly. And… that’s it for the most part. There are two more tracks, which are not too notable. And that rounds up Bat Out Of Hell. The first one is the best, the rest are missable. Two is just piss poor, and the third one is too weird to be a Bat Out Of Hell album. In any case, we are past the ten-year anniversary of this one, so doubtless we are due a Bat Out Of Hell 4 soon. That is, if the legal disputes between Meatloaf and Jim Steinman haven't ruined the chance. Because, yes, I would want to see a Bat Out Of Hell four, just to see what it’s like. Only time will tell.

Take That

TAKE THAT AND PARTY (1992)
DAD: Mum's choice, but I doubt she'd claim to have been caught up in the hysteria first time round, too ancient at 22 years old. First thing to note is that the production is so tinny as to sound like it's being transmitted down a taught piece of garden twine. Let me wind you back down the years, to the days of our youth. The That filled a gap last occupied by...well, it's hard to remember really. Curiosity Killed The Cat? Bros? Stock Aitken and Waterman were on the wane, and anyway, their cynicism was limited to the musical sphere. The whole boyband packaging thing took on a new dimension with Take That. To be fair to them, they came across as genuinely likable kids in those days, especially Robbie (first names only here folks) who would often crop up on the Big Breakfast on Channel 4 opposite Oirish puppet aliens Zig and Zag and give a pretty good account of himself. On here he is slightly shrill. Barlow (I'll make an exception on the name thing for him) is main songwriter, although probably the best songs on here are Manilow's 'Could It Be Magic' and 'It Only Takes A Minute', which wasn't his either. But he does contribute 'A Million Love Songs'. It's all nice and energetic, 'Satisfied' probably sounded the same if you were sat next to someone on the train who was listening to it through their orange foam headset at high volume as it does listening to it directly. A lyrical note on the opening 'I Found Heaven'; they sing "I thought I found love, With somebody else's girl, yeah oooh" (for accuracy I reproduce the lyrics verbatim) which is a clear echo (rip-off) of Jocelyn Brown's 'Somebody Else's Guy'. And my latest offering to the copyright lawyers is that they take a look at 'I Can Make It' and decide if Go West have a case to prosecute for 'The King Of Wishful Thinking' (although this may be a Blockbuster/Jean Genie scenario regarding close timings). Barlow's lyrics are generally bland, but for these kind of songs that's not a problem at all. The edgiest they get is in the fnarrsome song title 'Give Good Feeling'. Cover art: Even in a still photograph, Barlow transmits his inability to dance.

SON: Well, talk about a tale of two halves. Honestly, I am actually quite looking forward to ‘The That’, as I have never really hated a song of theirs. Then again, I only know the modern band. The one that got back together in 06. But, anyway, back to the nineties. I won’t lie, the opening track of ‘I Found Heaven’ Is pretty great. It’s not fine art or anything. But it is ok, as is ‘Once You Tasted Love’. But…eh? There isn’t enough song variety. ‘Once You Tasted’ goes on far too long while still being the exact same all the way through. ‘It Only Takes A Minute’ has a lot of weird techno elements in it. It almost feels refreshing, but then it loses it. Also, the synth tune is a complete rip off of the Mortal Kombat theme. In fact, almost everything thus far sounds like something else. Case in point, satisfied is the ‘Space Jam’ theme. And then there’s the rap breakdown. Oh god…there is only so much nineties a guy can take. I found myself Quite liking ‘Promises’. I mean, it still sounds like something else (what, I can’t tell). ‘Give Good Feeling’ is listenable as well. Still cheesy as hell, to the point where I can smell it coming from my phone, but the high tempo is quite good. Makes it that bit bouncier. ‘Could It Be Magic’ is another rip off.  I KNOW I have heard this somewhere before with different lyrics. Don’t know where though. The title track also decided to rip of the mortal Kombat theme. I listen to the bridge bit and can’t help but expect someone to yell “MORTAL KOMBAT!” at the end of it. Other than that this is not that bad. If it wasn’t for the aforementioned rip off I would probably like this more. ‘How Can It Be’ is quite nice. Slow and relaxing. Nothing special. Also, don’t feel like its ripping anything off. so, you know. That’s nice. The album ends with ‘Guess Who Tasted Love’ which I guess is a remix of ‘Once you tasted love’. Its actually pretty good. As is this album. I mean, It’s not something I would ever listen to again. But there is nothing wrong with it, aside from all the ripping. The album cover is the band members, near shirtless, doing the most boyband-y thing ever underneath the nineties MS word art title.

EVERYTHING CHANGES (1993)
DAD: It took four people to write the title track. Four! Including Barlow. Admittedly it's terrific pop, but complex it ain't. They follow it with 'Pray', which is all Gary's own work. Bless him. By now Take That were Saturday Morning TV bestriding behemoths and black and white videos with a safe amount of arty-fartyness were de rigeur. Didn't Mark spend a lot of time exposing his chest on a beach for this one? I can't bring myself to look on YouTube, for fear of being disappointed. If that's Barlow singing on 'Wasting My Time', I reckon he'd have been well advised to attack it from an octave further down. Lulu makes her cougar-ish appearance in 'Relight My Fire' ("YEEEEAAAH!") which I didn't realise until now is a Dan Hartman cover. There's a good mix of upbeat pop-disco and drippy ballads. Howard has a go at writing and singing lead on 'If This Is Love'. Which is OK. I couldn't have done it. Those synthetic brass swoops used on 'Pray' get a second outing though. The second half is all Barlow. Motown-lite on 'Whatever You Do To Me', bland pop-disco on 'Meaning Of Love', the pretty awful lead single 'Why Can't I Wake Up With You' and so on and so on. They pull it out of the fire at the last moment with the above-average 'Babe' in which Mark knocks on an old flame's door only to find she's gone - Cliff Richard's 'Carrie' anyone? - but unlike Cliff, who could get "no forwarding address", Mark is in luck, the old geezer who has moved in has a number he can call. He might regret it though, his ex has sprogged - Child Support Agency ahoy! Cover art - lovely clean-cut boys, but no Spaghetti Bolognese or chocolate ice cream while you've got those nice clothes on lads!

SON: Let me get this out of the way: this album is far too much like the first one. It hits every “eh, so what” note in my body. I mean, it isn’t that bad, same as the first album. But that’s my problem. I would rather a bad album that’s different, rather than good but the same. Is that strange? Is that Just me? Maybe. The title track is good, but again very similar to everything else. “Pray” is not a religious song, and yet I kind of wish it was. Then I could have something to say. I mean, you can even compare this to their more recent albums. Each song on each album is unique in some way, and each album is different overall. But this does just sound like I am listening to “And Party” again. I mean, sure it’s more competent, but it seems to exist more to just maintain the status quo. Also, why does every song have to fade? What’s wrong with just ending, or a continuous ending note, or SOMETHING! Also, more instruments than just drum, saxophone, piano, guitars and Modular synths. Variety wouldn’t hurt. Where’s the ukulele? The double base? Cellos? ANYTHING! By the way, who is that in “Relight My Fire?” apparently, Its “Lulu”. Whoever that is. I can’t be bothered to research. This album is giving me nothing, other than to ironically complain about things that I had no problems with whilst doing FOB or Gorillaz. I think that the problem is that those two had an identity. Early Take That is just generic pop music. The same 3 or 4 melodies with minorly different lyrics each time. I would accuse them of being lazy, but… Have you listened to Capital Radio recently? There is heaps more effort here than in modern pop. Although, ‘Whatever You Do To Me’ is a bit different. At the start. Then we go back to the same old gig. And this album reached number 1? To Quote ‘FUN.’ (a far better band compared to this version of the that) This album “has become as Vapid as a night out in los Angeles’. Never has that line been more appropriate. Cover: Oh, get a room you five.

NOBODY ELSE (1995)

DAD: It's poor. Despite the presence of mega-smash 'Back For Good', which doesn't really bear close scrutiny anyway. Barlow's singing sounds like he's suffering from a mild case of heartburn. His breath control is non-existent. They've drafted in Brothers In Rhythm on a lot of the production. I know nothing of them, but the production is very much of it's time. Robbie does a very weird voice on the painfully repetitive 'Every Guy' which eventually disintegrates into absent-minded humming. 'Sunday to Saturday' is a moderate rip-off of Cherelle's 'Saturday Love' from 1985 and not an eighth as good, especially as it descends into rubbish lite-jazz. It doesn't get much slushier than the title track. I'm sure they, or at least their management, knew their fanbase but surely even a 14 year old girl suffering a hormone rush couldn't have found it all that appealing could they? It's actually very miserable and goes on and on and on and on. Possibly the best thing on the wretched thing is 'Never Forget', which at least hints at a degree of self awareness and Robbie's impending departure. Here's the real indication of how much I disliked this album. I feel indignant that they ripped off a Simply Red song title with 'Holding Back The Tears'. If I'm feeling sympathy for Mick Hucknall then something is badly wrong. As if they read my mind, the next track is called 'Hate It'. Take That have invented the self-reviewing song! More attention should have been paid at the time of release to 'Lady Tonight'. We would then have been forewarned of what a terrible rapper Robbie Williams is. Sweet little Mark lowers the curtain on the whole sorry mess with another dose of sickly sweet mush. And as for the sheer brass neck of even hinting at Sgt. Pepper with the cover art. If this review raises even a smidgeon of curiosity in you that it cannot be that bad, resist any temptation to investigate. Just take my word for it. I'm hurt and upset. Over to you Son.

SON: The next two will be quick as somehow I managed to write both of them, and then they got deleted. So…Yea. Kind of mad as hell over that. Anyway, this is better than Everything Changes, but just isn’t good. Okay its good, but my problems still hold. A few too many instruments that have no place, and really cringe worthy lyrics. “Back for good” is good, as are a few others, But I just wish they would stop. Just do something more. Something new. Then again, this isn’t exactly for me. My musical tastes are rooted in the early 2000’s nu-metal scene, and all that junk, so softer, soppy nineties boy bands are not where I come from. If you were there, this might be for you. But it certainly isn’t for me. Cover: Five, four, three, two, one, Take That are go *fanfare*.

BEAUTIFUL WORLD  (2006)

Here's some depressing context for you. Take That have been back in business for about as long as they were out of it before this album, In fact it feels a bit like they are still making a comeback. Robbie bailed out and pooped the party and they limped on as a foursome, I seem to remember a dire version of the Bee Gees 'How Deep Is Your Love'. In fact, after the drugs and doughnuts it seemed like Rob had risen from the ashes victorious when the all-conquering Life Thru A Lens album came out, while Barlow fell flat on his face and seemed destined for a rapid return to the northern working men's clubs where he learned what we shall call, for sake of argument, his 'craft'. Mark managed to get out his reasonably well received but not that successful Green Man album and had a decent hit with '4 Minute Warning' before reaching the depths of Celebrity Big Brother. Howard and Jason never even got that far. Robbie just got more and more annoying and seemed to be suffering a talent haemorrhage that still hasn't been stemmed. The shock when the That resurfaced was that they sounded halfway decent. For me this comeback album doesn't quite grab you like it should. The single 'Patience' felt like a stroke of genius at the time, emotional, big sound, decent video, but 10 years on it falls a bit flat. Credit where it's due, I moan constantly about Elton and Adele pretending to be American when they sing, but Mark on 'Shine' and Howard on 'Mancunian Way' are faithful to their native accents. However for me, the standout is poor old Jason Orange on 'Wooden Boat'. The frail, forgotten man of Take That gives quite a touching performance on a good song.

SON: This, however, is for me. This came out at the time when my musical tastes where taking root. As such, even if it’s not exactly my type, it was around at the same time, so some inspiration (no matter how minor) should be there. And, yes, this is much better. They have cleaned up their instruments, limiting it down to the basics. Drums, guitars, bass, piano occasionally, and singing. No more weird sax solos, or weird modular synths. My only real complaint would be how forgettable it all is. There are only a few notable songs (most of which are, in all honesty, legitimately great), and the rest is kind of dull filler. GOOD dull filler, but just dull filler. Oh well. You can’t win em all. Cover: I got nothing even minorly humorous to say.

THE CIRCUS (2008)

DAD: By now Take That had established themselves back as a serious proposition and were firmly occupying enormo-dome and stadium territory. This is pretty clearly aimed at being fuel for an all-singing and dancing stage show. And why not? Barlow is a decent, if unimaginative, songwriter, so he was able to write songs that hit about the right level of blandness and singalongability, 'Greatest Day' being a case in point. But here's the problem, whilst he's their best asset, he's also the biggest liability. A charm vacuum while his bandmates have it in spades. Why Mark Owen isn't the modern day Tommy Steel I'll never know and he ramps up the cheeky chappie persona to the max on this. In fact on the third track 'Hello' he makes a passable attempt at some Small Faces style English music hall pop. Jason is clearly trying to tell us something on his single vocal contribution, 'How Did It Come To This' where he uses words like 'schizophrenic', 'indecision', 'expectation', 'neurotic' and 'compartmentalising'. No-one came here for a lecture on psychotherapy Jase. Meanwhile Howard sounds quite a lot like Glenn Tillbrook on 'Here'. It's a nice album cover. If you're having trouble with your broadband, just check that there isn't an ageing boyband balancing on the wires to your house.

SON:  Returning to keep up this winning new style. Most of these songs are ones I would listen too on their own. And most are ones most people would know in some capacity. Sure, there are a few synths here and there, which is something I have harped on about, but there is a difference of these being softer. Then come the songs. “The Garden” is a nicely cinematic song. “Greatest Day” is… greatest day. We all know it. It's full, loud and powerful. 'Hello' I am on the... fence about. The opening instrumental is a tad too cowboy-dinner for me, but the rest is nice enough. Even if the lyrics are kind of eh. 'Said It All' is another Powerful cinematic one. Actually, yea. Almost every track falls into the “very good/ legitimately great” pile (depending on your opinion). 'Julie' kind of loses me. Lyrically it's just kind of okay. Oh well. At least it sounds good. The title track 'The Circus' is… not so good. It’s not bad by any means, but there is a horrible effect on the vocals, which only works on very certain songs, and not this one. The rest of it is just kind of dull, though. Good job rhyming “schizophrenic” with “explain it” on “How Did It Come To This”. Other than that, though, it’s just another bit of good music. And another. And another. I gave up at this point. It's good. Possibly great in places. NEXT! Cover: No, sorry, they are being electrocuted right now.

PROGRESS (2010)

DAD: Robbie's back, and he immediately imposes his strained, hubristic whine all over the first track, 'The Flood'. One can only imagine that it made commercial sense to him to rejoin the fold. He's been on his uppers since the turn of the century. I suppose you could say that he brings a harder edge to proceedings and he drags Owen along with him on 'SOS' which is all a bit too frantic. They do know that their audience is now middle aged women don't they? There's a few Williams-Barlow collabs on this, which might form the basis of a thesis on songwriting partnerships and how each participant tries to impose their own style on the output. Barlow goes ahead with The Flood, Williams grabs an equalizer with 'Wait' and then they park the bus and play out a draw on the quite interesting music-box-like 'Pretty Things'. I worry that there is some element of America's 'Horse With No Name' in the DNA of the rather strident 'Kidz'. They seem to be insistent on putting a fuzzy production on all of Owen's vocals. In fact the production is all too much throughout. Having said all that...it's not bad, their best so far I'd say, it feels more contemporary and at least they're taking some risks. However the songwriting collaboration with Ultravox on 'Eight Letters' is just reckless. Those 'Voxy chimes make it sound like a Christmas single. But at the death, it's Orange once again who pulls a musical rabbit out of the Take That hat, with his rather sad and odd 'Flowerbed. He will be missed.

SON:  Robbie’s back, and that means… I don’t actually know what that means. I am going to be straight here: I don’t know whether it like this album or not. Parts of it make me want to love it. Parts of it…don’t. I am tempted to blame Robbie for all of this album's shortcomings. I won’t (I have no proof that Robbie has anything to do with why this album is the way it is) but is so tempting to name the bad half as “Robbie’s half”. Right, to start off: can this album decide if it’s a concept album? I swear, songs like 'The Flood', 'Kidz', 'SOS', 'Happy Now' and 'Underground Machine' all feel like they want to be part of some high concept, story driven album of the type that bands that I like (such as, and I am trying my hardest not to mention him this review, but I guess its arbitrary at this point, Celldweller) put out on the regular. All of the lyrics of these songs feel like they want to be connected, and to be telling some sci-fi epic about the fall of humanity. Maybe something “Nineteen Eighty-Four” based. I mean, 'Muse' Pulled that off with 'The Resistance', which tonally and stylistically really isn't so different from this. But then songs like 'Wait', “What Do You Want From Me?', 'Affirmation', 'Flowerbed', 'Eight Letters' and “Pretty Things” (which I will say I like musically. Lyrically I will get to later) all want something very different. They seem to have fallen through a wormhole from a universe where Nineties Take That never split, and they just kind of kept going (no doubt in that universe Circle Of Dust never existed, and Star Wars episode 2 is the best movie in the series) and are trying so, so, SO hard to go back to the nineties. It’s painful. The lyrics are really, really childish. I mean, as much as I like the instrumental of this song, and how I can’t help humming it at times, 'Pretty Things' sports the lyrics “all the pretty things, god bless the pretty things, so collectable, why not collect them all” as well as “God, I love those hips”. I mean, REALLY? I can’t help but cringe when I hear these. The others are on the above “bad” list are not as bad as this, but they are bland and vapid as hell. Musically dull, and far too close to the nineties bad stuff. Luckily there are no sax solos. But maybe that’s a bad thing. A bit of sax may liven these up. Give them something memorable. Ah. One can only have one thing, and this is what I have. I don’t know what else to say. I want to like this album. The good songs I adore, but the bad…well. It’s not nineties bad. But its close. Cover: The evolution of Take That: not like its shown here

III (2014)

So can you guess why the album has this title? It's subtle. I'll give you three guesses. Williams had presumably cashed his cheque and so could return to making monotonous, brash pop while winking knowingly at the camera in all his videos. His latest 'Dance Like A Russian' is particularly offensive. They're well shot of him. Not so Jason Orange, who presumably felt that he's accrued enough of a fortune to see him right for the rest of his days and retired gracefully. You'll have detected my respect for JO growing as I've gone along. Hidden depths there I'd say. This starts pretty well. 'These Days' is good crowd pleasing fodder. Suitable for skipping up and down the stage clapping your hands above your head while the confetti cannons blast away. I liked the Eurovisic electro-tribal rhythms on the Owen-sung 'Lovelife'. Nice bit of stompy electro-boogie on 'I Like It'. There's something about 'Give You My Love' that takes me back to Nelly and Kelly doing 'Dilemma'. (Yeh. That's right. I can make references to those modern hippy-hoppy artists too you know). Barlow has a tendency to over-sing on the lower tempo songs like 'Portrait' and 'Freeze' but Owen comes through on the Euro-disco of 'Into The Wild'. We were encouraged to do this album sequence by the most important woman in both our lives, and she tells me that her favourite on this album is 'Flaws' due to it's honesty and the fact that it's written in waltz time. If she likes it, then it's good enough for me. Take That have indeed come a long way and may be not too sure where they've been. It's feelgood pop, and we all need some of that.

SON:  And we reach the end of this journey. Before I get on with my overall on the that, though, may I just say that this album is… bloody great? Unlike Progress, each song fits, stylistically. And they are all good. Some even great. Personal favourites are “Love Life” and “Higher and Higher”, but overall I think that I like this album on par with some of my favourite bands. On a side note, “Get Ready For It” was used in Kingsman, which is kind of odd, as the song really doesn’t fit the movie. But, whatever, it’s still a good song. Everything works. It doesn’t feel like half of it wants to be a concept album, it’s not hungry for the Ninetiestalgia, Its just good pop stupid. It sounds good. It’s none offensive. It’s not challenging, but that’s not a problem. It’s just great. Shame I can’t say that on the whole for Take That. While they currently seem on a good track (despite the whole band, including…Robbie… coming back for a 25 year tour next year, which could go horribly) I just can’t ignore that this is very much a half and half thing. And sadly, the bad half just pushes out. It wouldn’t have, had Progress not happened. Do I like Take That? Modern, yes, for the most part. They are not a band I would rush to see live (although I have seen them live, and it was beautiful), but I wouldn’t exactly turn it down. But, anyway. I need to move on. Got more bands to cover. Take That is alright, okay? NEXT!