Take That

TAKE THAT AND PARTY (1992)
DAD: Mum's choice, but I doubt she'd claim to have been caught up in the hysteria first time round, too ancient at 22 years old. First thing to note is that the production is so tinny as to sound like it's being transmitted down a taught piece of garden twine. Let me wind you back down the years, to the days of our youth. The That filled a gap last occupied by...well, it's hard to remember really. Curiosity Killed The Cat? Bros? Stock Aitken and Waterman were on the wane, and anyway, their cynicism was limited to the musical sphere. The whole boyband packaging thing took on a new dimension with Take That. To be fair to them, they came across as genuinely likable kids in those days, especially Robbie (first names only here folks) who would often crop up on the Big Breakfast on Channel 4 opposite Oirish puppet aliens Zig and Zag and give a pretty good account of himself. On here he is slightly shrill. Barlow (I'll make an exception on the name thing for him) is main songwriter, although probably the best songs on here are Manilow's 'Could It Be Magic' and 'It Only Takes A Minute', which wasn't his either. But he does contribute 'A Million Love Songs'. It's all nice and energetic, 'Satisfied' probably sounded the same if you were sat next to someone on the train who was listening to it through their orange foam headset at high volume as it does listening to it directly. A lyrical note on the opening 'I Found Heaven'; they sing "I thought I found love, With somebody else's girl, yeah oooh" (for accuracy I reproduce the lyrics verbatim) which is a clear echo (rip-off) of Jocelyn Brown's 'Somebody Else's Guy'. And my latest offering to the copyright lawyers is that they take a look at 'I Can Make It' and decide if Go West have a case to prosecute for 'The King Of Wishful Thinking' (although this may be a Blockbuster/Jean Genie scenario regarding close timings). Barlow's lyrics are generally bland, but for these kind of songs that's not a problem at all. The edgiest they get is in the fnarrsome song title 'Give Good Feeling'. Cover art: Even in a still photograph, Barlow transmits his inability to dance.

SON: Well, talk about a tale of two halves. Honestly, I am actually quite looking forward to ‘The That’, as I have never really hated a song of theirs. Then again, I only know the modern band. The one that got back together in 06. But, anyway, back to the nineties. I won’t lie, the opening track of ‘I Found Heaven’ Is pretty great. It’s not fine art or anything. But it is ok, as is ‘Once You Tasted Love’. But…eh? There isn’t enough song variety. ‘Once You Tasted’ goes on far too long while still being the exact same all the way through. ‘It Only Takes A Minute’ has a lot of weird techno elements in it. It almost feels refreshing, but then it loses it. Also, the synth tune is a complete rip off of the Mortal Kombat theme. In fact, almost everything thus far sounds like something else. Case in point, satisfied is the ‘Space Jam’ theme. And then there’s the rap breakdown. Oh god…there is only so much nineties a guy can take. I found myself Quite liking ‘Promises’. I mean, it still sounds like something else (what, I can’t tell). ‘Give Good Feeling’ is listenable as well. Still cheesy as hell, to the point where I can smell it coming from my phone, but the high tempo is quite good. Makes it that bit bouncier. ‘Could It Be Magic’ is another rip off.  I KNOW I have heard this somewhere before with different lyrics. Don’t know where though. The title track also decided to rip of the mortal Kombat theme. I listen to the bridge bit and can’t help but expect someone to yell “MORTAL KOMBAT!” at the end of it. Other than that this is not that bad. If it wasn’t for the aforementioned rip off I would probably like this more. ‘How Can It Be’ is quite nice. Slow and relaxing. Nothing special. Also, don’t feel like its ripping anything off. so, you know. That’s nice. The album ends with ‘Guess Who Tasted Love’ which I guess is a remix of ‘Once you tasted love’. Its actually pretty good. As is this album. I mean, It’s not something I would ever listen to again. But there is nothing wrong with it, aside from all the ripping. The album cover is the band members, near shirtless, doing the most boyband-y thing ever underneath the nineties MS word art title.

EVERYTHING CHANGES (1993)
DAD: It took four people to write the title track. Four! Including Barlow. Admittedly it's terrific pop, but complex it ain't. They follow it with 'Pray', which is all Gary's own work. Bless him. By now Take That were Saturday Morning TV bestriding behemoths and black and white videos with a safe amount of arty-fartyness were de rigeur. Didn't Mark spend a lot of time exposing his chest on a beach for this one? I can't bring myself to look on YouTube, for fear of being disappointed. If that's Barlow singing on 'Wasting My Time', I reckon he'd have been well advised to attack it from an octave further down. Lulu makes her cougar-ish appearance in 'Relight My Fire' ("YEEEEAAAH!") which I didn't realise until now is a Dan Hartman cover. There's a good mix of upbeat pop-disco and drippy ballads. Howard has a go at writing and singing lead on 'If This Is Love'. Which is OK. I couldn't have done it. Those synthetic brass swoops used on 'Pray' get a second outing though. The second half is all Barlow. Motown-lite on 'Whatever You Do To Me', bland pop-disco on 'Meaning Of Love', the pretty awful lead single 'Why Can't I Wake Up With You' and so on and so on. They pull it out of the fire at the last moment with the above-average 'Babe' in which Mark knocks on an old flame's door only to find she's gone - Cliff Richard's 'Carrie' anyone? - but unlike Cliff, who could get "no forwarding address", Mark is in luck, the old geezer who has moved in has a number he can call. He might regret it though, his ex has sprogged - Child Support Agency ahoy! Cover art - lovely clean-cut boys, but no Spaghetti Bolognese or chocolate ice cream while you've got those nice clothes on lads!

SON: Let me get this out of the way: this album is far too much like the first one. It hits every “eh, so what” note in my body. I mean, it isn’t that bad, same as the first album. But that’s my problem. I would rather a bad album that’s different, rather than good but the same. Is that strange? Is that Just me? Maybe. The title track is good, but again very similar to everything else. “Pray” is not a religious song, and yet I kind of wish it was. Then I could have something to say. I mean, you can even compare this to their more recent albums. Each song on each album is unique in some way, and each album is different overall. But this does just sound like I am listening to “And Party” again. I mean, sure it’s more competent, but it seems to exist more to just maintain the status quo. Also, why does every song have to fade? What’s wrong with just ending, or a continuous ending note, or SOMETHING! Also, more instruments than just drum, saxophone, piano, guitars and Modular synths. Variety wouldn’t hurt. Where’s the ukulele? The double base? Cellos? ANYTHING! By the way, who is that in “Relight My Fire?” apparently, Its “Lulu”. Whoever that is. I can’t be bothered to research. This album is giving me nothing, other than to ironically complain about things that I had no problems with whilst doing FOB or Gorillaz. I think that the problem is that those two had an identity. Early Take That is just generic pop music. The same 3 or 4 melodies with minorly different lyrics each time. I would accuse them of being lazy, but… Have you listened to Capital Radio recently? There is heaps more effort here than in modern pop. Although, ‘Whatever You Do To Me’ is a bit different. At the start. Then we go back to the same old gig. And this album reached number 1? To Quote ‘FUN.’ (a far better band compared to this version of the that) This album “has become as Vapid as a night out in los Angeles’. Never has that line been more appropriate. Cover: Oh, get a room you five.

NOBODY ELSE (1995)

DAD: It's poor. Despite the presence of mega-smash 'Back For Good', which doesn't really bear close scrutiny anyway. Barlow's singing sounds like he's suffering from a mild case of heartburn. His breath control is non-existent. They've drafted in Brothers In Rhythm on a lot of the production. I know nothing of them, but the production is very much of it's time. Robbie does a very weird voice on the painfully repetitive 'Every Guy' which eventually disintegrates into absent-minded humming. 'Sunday to Saturday' is a moderate rip-off of Cherelle's 'Saturday Love' from 1985 and not an eighth as good, especially as it descends into rubbish lite-jazz. It doesn't get much slushier than the title track. I'm sure they, or at least their management, knew their fanbase but surely even a 14 year old girl suffering a hormone rush couldn't have found it all that appealing could they? It's actually very miserable and goes on and on and on and on. Possibly the best thing on the wretched thing is 'Never Forget', which at least hints at a degree of self awareness and Robbie's impending departure. Here's the real indication of how much I disliked this album. I feel indignant that they ripped off a Simply Red song title with 'Holding Back The Tears'. If I'm feeling sympathy for Mick Hucknall then something is badly wrong. As if they read my mind, the next track is called 'Hate It'. Take That have invented the self-reviewing song! More attention should have been paid at the time of release to 'Lady Tonight'. We would then have been forewarned of what a terrible rapper Robbie Williams is. Sweet little Mark lowers the curtain on the whole sorry mess with another dose of sickly sweet mush. And as for the sheer brass neck of even hinting at Sgt. Pepper with the cover art. If this review raises even a smidgeon of curiosity in you that it cannot be that bad, resist any temptation to investigate. Just take my word for it. I'm hurt and upset. Over to you Son.

SON: The next two will be quick as somehow I managed to write both of them, and then they got deleted. So…Yea. Kind of mad as hell over that. Anyway, this is better than Everything Changes, but just isn’t good. Okay its good, but my problems still hold. A few too many instruments that have no place, and really cringe worthy lyrics. “Back for good” is good, as are a few others, But I just wish they would stop. Just do something more. Something new. Then again, this isn’t exactly for me. My musical tastes are rooted in the early 2000’s nu-metal scene, and all that junk, so softer, soppy nineties boy bands are not where I come from. If you were there, this might be for you. But it certainly isn’t for me. Cover: Five, four, three, two, one, Take That are go *fanfare*.

BEAUTIFUL WORLD  (2006)

Here's some depressing context for you. Take That have been back in business for about as long as they were out of it before this album, In fact it feels a bit like they are still making a comeback. Robbie bailed out and pooped the party and they limped on as a foursome, I seem to remember a dire version of the Bee Gees 'How Deep Is Your Love'. In fact, after the drugs and doughnuts it seemed like Rob had risen from the ashes victorious when the all-conquering Life Thru A Lens album came out, while Barlow fell flat on his face and seemed destined for a rapid return to the northern working men's clubs where he learned what we shall call, for sake of argument, his 'craft'. Mark managed to get out his reasonably well received but not that successful Green Man album and had a decent hit with '4 Minute Warning' before reaching the depths of Celebrity Big Brother. Howard and Jason never even got that far. Robbie just got more and more annoying and seemed to be suffering a talent haemorrhage that still hasn't been stemmed. The shock when the That resurfaced was that they sounded halfway decent. For me this comeback album doesn't quite grab you like it should. The single 'Patience' felt like a stroke of genius at the time, emotional, big sound, decent video, but 10 years on it falls a bit flat. Credit where it's due, I moan constantly about Elton and Adele pretending to be American when they sing, but Mark on 'Shine' and Howard on 'Mancunian Way' are faithful to their native accents. However for me, the standout is poor old Jason Orange on 'Wooden Boat'. The frail, forgotten man of Take That gives quite a touching performance on a good song.

SON: This, however, is for me. This came out at the time when my musical tastes where taking root. As such, even if it’s not exactly my type, it was around at the same time, so some inspiration (no matter how minor) should be there. And, yes, this is much better. They have cleaned up their instruments, limiting it down to the basics. Drums, guitars, bass, piano occasionally, and singing. No more weird sax solos, or weird modular synths. My only real complaint would be how forgettable it all is. There are only a few notable songs (most of which are, in all honesty, legitimately great), and the rest is kind of dull filler. GOOD dull filler, but just dull filler. Oh well. You can’t win em all. Cover: I got nothing even minorly humorous to say.

THE CIRCUS (2008)

DAD: By now Take That had established themselves back as a serious proposition and were firmly occupying enormo-dome and stadium territory. This is pretty clearly aimed at being fuel for an all-singing and dancing stage show. And why not? Barlow is a decent, if unimaginative, songwriter, so he was able to write songs that hit about the right level of blandness and singalongability, 'Greatest Day' being a case in point. But here's the problem, whilst he's their best asset, he's also the biggest liability. A charm vacuum while his bandmates have it in spades. Why Mark Owen isn't the modern day Tommy Steel I'll never know and he ramps up the cheeky chappie persona to the max on this. In fact on the third track 'Hello' he makes a passable attempt at some Small Faces style English music hall pop. Jason is clearly trying to tell us something on his single vocal contribution, 'How Did It Come To This' where he uses words like 'schizophrenic', 'indecision', 'expectation', 'neurotic' and 'compartmentalising'. No-one came here for a lecture on psychotherapy Jase. Meanwhile Howard sounds quite a lot like Glenn Tillbrook on 'Here'. It's a nice album cover. If you're having trouble with your broadband, just check that there isn't an ageing boyband balancing on the wires to your house.

SON:  Returning to keep up this winning new style. Most of these songs are ones I would listen too on their own. And most are ones most people would know in some capacity. Sure, there are a few synths here and there, which is something I have harped on about, but there is a difference of these being softer. Then come the songs. “The Garden” is a nicely cinematic song. “Greatest Day” is… greatest day. We all know it. It's full, loud and powerful. 'Hello' I am on the... fence about. The opening instrumental is a tad too cowboy-dinner for me, but the rest is nice enough. Even if the lyrics are kind of eh. 'Said It All' is another Powerful cinematic one. Actually, yea. Almost every track falls into the “very good/ legitimately great” pile (depending on your opinion). 'Julie' kind of loses me. Lyrically it's just kind of okay. Oh well. At least it sounds good. The title track 'The Circus' is… not so good. It’s not bad by any means, but there is a horrible effect on the vocals, which only works on very certain songs, and not this one. The rest of it is just kind of dull, though. Good job rhyming “schizophrenic” with “explain it” on “How Did It Come To This”. Other than that, though, it’s just another bit of good music. And another. And another. I gave up at this point. It's good. Possibly great in places. NEXT! Cover: No, sorry, they are being electrocuted right now.

PROGRESS (2010)

DAD: Robbie's back, and he immediately imposes his strained, hubristic whine all over the first track, 'The Flood'. One can only imagine that it made commercial sense to him to rejoin the fold. He's been on his uppers since the turn of the century. I suppose you could say that he brings a harder edge to proceedings and he drags Owen along with him on 'SOS' which is all a bit too frantic. They do know that their audience is now middle aged women don't they? There's a few Williams-Barlow collabs on this, which might form the basis of a thesis on songwriting partnerships and how each participant tries to impose their own style on the output. Barlow goes ahead with The Flood, Williams grabs an equalizer with 'Wait' and then they park the bus and play out a draw on the quite interesting music-box-like 'Pretty Things'. I worry that there is some element of America's 'Horse With No Name' in the DNA of the rather strident 'Kidz'. They seem to be insistent on putting a fuzzy production on all of Owen's vocals. In fact the production is all too much throughout. Having said all that...it's not bad, their best so far I'd say, it feels more contemporary and at least they're taking some risks. However the songwriting collaboration with Ultravox on 'Eight Letters' is just reckless. Those 'Voxy chimes make it sound like a Christmas single. But at the death, it's Orange once again who pulls a musical rabbit out of the Take That hat, with his rather sad and odd 'Flowerbed. He will be missed.

SON:  Robbie’s back, and that means… I don’t actually know what that means. I am going to be straight here: I don’t know whether it like this album or not. Parts of it make me want to love it. Parts of it…don’t. I am tempted to blame Robbie for all of this album's shortcomings. I won’t (I have no proof that Robbie has anything to do with why this album is the way it is) but is so tempting to name the bad half as “Robbie’s half”. Right, to start off: can this album decide if it’s a concept album? I swear, songs like 'The Flood', 'Kidz', 'SOS', 'Happy Now' and 'Underground Machine' all feel like they want to be part of some high concept, story driven album of the type that bands that I like (such as, and I am trying my hardest not to mention him this review, but I guess its arbitrary at this point, Celldweller) put out on the regular. All of the lyrics of these songs feel like they want to be connected, and to be telling some sci-fi epic about the fall of humanity. Maybe something “Nineteen Eighty-Four” based. I mean, 'Muse' Pulled that off with 'The Resistance', which tonally and stylistically really isn't so different from this. But then songs like 'Wait', “What Do You Want From Me?', 'Affirmation', 'Flowerbed', 'Eight Letters' and “Pretty Things” (which I will say I like musically. Lyrically I will get to later) all want something very different. They seem to have fallen through a wormhole from a universe where Nineties Take That never split, and they just kind of kept going (no doubt in that universe Circle Of Dust never existed, and Star Wars episode 2 is the best movie in the series) and are trying so, so, SO hard to go back to the nineties. It’s painful. The lyrics are really, really childish. I mean, as much as I like the instrumental of this song, and how I can’t help humming it at times, 'Pretty Things' sports the lyrics “all the pretty things, god bless the pretty things, so collectable, why not collect them all” as well as “God, I love those hips”. I mean, REALLY? I can’t help but cringe when I hear these. The others are on the above “bad” list are not as bad as this, but they are bland and vapid as hell. Musically dull, and far too close to the nineties bad stuff. Luckily there are no sax solos. But maybe that’s a bad thing. A bit of sax may liven these up. Give them something memorable. Ah. One can only have one thing, and this is what I have. I don’t know what else to say. I want to like this album. The good songs I adore, but the bad…well. It’s not nineties bad. But its close. Cover: The evolution of Take That: not like its shown here

III (2014)

So can you guess why the album has this title? It's subtle. I'll give you three guesses. Williams had presumably cashed his cheque and so could return to making monotonous, brash pop while winking knowingly at the camera in all his videos. His latest 'Dance Like A Russian' is particularly offensive. They're well shot of him. Not so Jason Orange, who presumably felt that he's accrued enough of a fortune to see him right for the rest of his days and retired gracefully. You'll have detected my respect for JO growing as I've gone along. Hidden depths there I'd say. This starts pretty well. 'These Days' is good crowd pleasing fodder. Suitable for skipping up and down the stage clapping your hands above your head while the confetti cannons blast away. I liked the Eurovisic electro-tribal rhythms on the Owen-sung 'Lovelife'. Nice bit of stompy electro-boogie on 'I Like It'. There's something about 'Give You My Love' that takes me back to Nelly and Kelly doing 'Dilemma'. (Yeh. That's right. I can make references to those modern hippy-hoppy artists too you know). Barlow has a tendency to over-sing on the lower tempo songs like 'Portrait' and 'Freeze' but Owen comes through on the Euro-disco of 'Into The Wild'. We were encouraged to do this album sequence by the most important woman in both our lives, and she tells me that her favourite on this album is 'Flaws' due to it's honesty and the fact that it's written in waltz time. If she likes it, then it's good enough for me. Take That have indeed come a long way and may be not too sure where they've been. It's feelgood pop, and we all need some of that.

SON:  And we reach the end of this journey. Before I get on with my overall on the that, though, may I just say that this album is… bloody great? Unlike Progress, each song fits, stylistically. And they are all good. Some even great. Personal favourites are “Love Life” and “Higher and Higher”, but overall I think that I like this album on par with some of my favourite bands. On a side note, “Get Ready For It” was used in Kingsman, which is kind of odd, as the song really doesn’t fit the movie. But, whatever, it’s still a good song. Everything works. It doesn’t feel like half of it wants to be a concept album, it’s not hungry for the Ninetiestalgia, Its just good pop stupid. It sounds good. It’s none offensive. It’s not challenging, but that’s not a problem. It’s just great. Shame I can’t say that on the whole for Take That. While they currently seem on a good track (despite the whole band, including…Robbie… coming back for a 25 year tour next year, which could go horribly) I just can’t ignore that this is very much a half and half thing. And sadly, the bad half just pushes out. It wouldn’t have, had Progress not happened. Do I like Take That? Modern, yes, for the most part. They are not a band I would rush to see live (although I have seen them live, and it was beautiful), but I wouldn’t exactly turn it down. But, anyway. I need to move on. Got more bands to cover. Take That is alright, okay? NEXT!